An immortal soul – infinite consciousness – with a human experience. That was first, then the earthly jacket: “Holy smoke, is it?”
In the summer of 2016, my ex – dad of our son – discovered green smoothies and the meditation app Insight Timer. We had stopped eating meat for a while, and that – along with the smulties (as we called them) – had a profound cleansing effect. Listening to the various meditations reinforced this inner cleansing. Thus we encouraged each other to become a better version of ourselves and, above all, to do what suited us as individuals. He found inspiration in creating music and the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, while I devoted myself to yoga and an education in cultural social studies. And together we meditated in a Zen Buddhist temple where the monk guided us in the art of ‘Just sitting with that which is’. Which sounds simple, but turned out to be a great challenge. It’s sitting without distraction: with all your thoughts, discomfort and pain.
My conscious SpaceZ rocket journey was launched. I say ‘conscious’ because it was like rediscovering wisdom that had always been unconsciously within me. Meditating led to a new state of clarity. I was more alert than ever before, sharp but not tense. The themes I wanted to explore first came as promptings. Chakras (the energy points inside and outside your body) and the pineal gland took center stage. Melatonin, the hormone that is produced by the pineal gland and influences our day and night rhythms, can – in the case of prolonged sleep deprivation – lead to a deregulation of your mood. Not surprisingly and unimportantly, this topic came up first. For, this dysregulation, according to a psychologist I had visited in the past, was one of the explanations for my predisposition to depression. However, now I had discovered that, in ancient traditions and among various natural peoples, the pineal gland is called ‘the third eye’. The gateway between the material and spiritual worlds. And it is precisely since childhood that I have experienced and sometimes seen vibrations, colors and an intangible presence. Why had my psychologist never told me about the pineal gland and its spiritual context? At least it gave me a new starting point for understanding and further exploring (my) deep emotional life and broader experiences in consciousness.
Welcome to planet Earth. The penny that my soul had chosen to be here fell harder and harder. “To do what then?” ‘Well’, to experience and learn about unconditional love and the oneness between all that is – Only, with this new realization, it did not mean that the dark feelings and thoughts within me stopped. My light energy, warmth and mildness: both toward myself and others, were sometimes rudely disrupted by sadness, anger and fear. It was confusing and didn’t seem to fit with the insights I had already gained. What was this darkness in me anyway? I thought I had looked at everything over the years from before but still an undefined and truly cut off feeling kept coming back: which was at odds with the immense love I felt as a brand new mom. I decided to dive deeper into my heartache and would do so by addressing this piece with a plant medicine (in 2018). “I am ready to re-experience the sad pieces I am not aware of” was my intention. However, in total bliss, madre Aya gave me other answers and experiences during this inner journey.
Surely not: light, love & tralala. A year after the ceremony I met a man, and in this connection darkness was offered to me on a silver platter, intense to the point of madness. Not being good enough, fear of connecting, fear of losing, not being allowed or wanting to be there, freedom and limitation of freedom, intimacy and sexuality: in our contact and in memories and dreams, these themes passed by. The darkness in me came to light. Also, the connection was strongly felt energetically. Restlessness in my body. Often awake in the night. Raids by synchronicity. Mirroring. And up to three or four times – without notice and for the most absurd miscommunication – he and I disconnected. A twin soul journey could be the explanation for this intense connection. I don’t know, the truth is vast and I can only partially grasp it. What I do know is that this love made my energetic consciousness stronger and brought me back to the core; without masks, with more and more (self) love, universal connection, balance and acceptance.
Natalie
