‘Sharing rather than retreating when negative feelings brought freedom’
Tineke Mollema (39) is open about her bipolar vulnerability: nationally and internationally she is committed to good care and equal opportunities for people with mental health problems. ‘The fire of idealism burns in me; I want to make the world a better place’
On a rained-out station square in Zwolle, I meet Tineke. We work together at Plusminus, the Dutch association for people with bipolar disorder and their loved ones, and are at the forefront of a project on (self-)stigma. “Stigma is a label that others, society or the media put on you based on their perception, without necessarily reflecting the real truth,” she says. Many members of our patient association face it daily. In a series of two or three conversations, we’ll talk about it, but who is Tineke and what drives her? That’s what I’m curious about first.
“At Plusminus I’m a board member of Communications and Young, but I’m not really young anymore as I approach 40. Looking back, I wouldn’t want to repeat those years either, because between the ages of 16 and 30 my life was tough: I struggled with recurring depression, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. The medication prescribed by the psychiatrist helped me get through it, only the psychological suffering didn’t change, even with being diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 26.”
Fear of failure
“As a child and teenager, I was insecure. I was bullied at school because of my poor math skills, later diagnosed as dyscalculia. The teachers thought I was lazy: after all, my parents were highly educated and my brothers were also good at math. This caused me fear of failure, a sense of disappointment and low self-esteem. It also fuels my current fears. For example, I can already worry about my upcoming speaking role at a convention in Washington. This fear of failure goes beyond healthy tension and keeps me up at night.”
“Unprocessed childhood traumas, like in my case the bullying at school, often turn out to be triggers for episodes; there was hardly any attention to this from the mental health system in the beginning. There was a lack of in-depth questions about the possible causes of my depression. This is an experience I share with many peers. I recently discussed my fear of failure – clearly linked to my past – with my psychiatrist: I want to work on it, it hinders me.”
Acceptance
“To live with bipolarity requires acceptance in addition to knowledge. On my first admission to the PAAZ (Psychiatric Ward General Hospital) – I was thirty at the time – I found out that I really hadn’t done this at all. This insight was the turning point in my life; for the first time I spoke out: “Yes, I have bipolar disorder. A course of two years of intensive therapy followed. There I really got to know myself, and above all learned how important it is to feel and express my emotions. Before, I couldn’t. My tears stayed away, I distanced myself from them, even during sad events outside of myself, such as a funeral. I also came to realize that I had been incredibly lonely all this time; I was not sharing my inner experiences. This limited my sense of freedom and actually increased my problems. Sharing, rather than withdrawing in the face of negative feelings, brought freedom.”
Freedom
“Freedom for me – especially given my history of insecurity and recurring depression – means doing what you love, beyond fear, without hurting or harming others. At the same time, that sounds contradictory because during hypomanic or manic periods, I myself had little regard for the other person, my partner. I exceeded his limits by taking my internal tensions out on him: provoking arguments by saying something nasty, making small things bigger, for example if he hadn’t done something, let’s say “vacuuming,” and making a problem out of it. This happened unconsciously. It illustrates well the influence of the disease, where you can become so engrossed in yourself that others are inconvenienced.”
“Now I would describe myself as someone who has finally found her balance and who likes to help people from her experience. Because, my interest in people runs deep. This was already evident in my childhood, from the movies I loved to watch and the books I read: fantasy, costume dramas, novels and thrillers. I put myself in the stories of those characters, who lived in other times, with other customs. Thus, I experienced the different perspectives and motives from which they thought, acted and made choices. Even in high school, my curiosity and caring for others showed; for example, I became friends with a group of young people who were Jehovah’s Witnesses and were raised very strictly at home. I enjoyed listening to their religious views and also enjoyed inviting them to my home, where things were a little freer.”
This background is the basis for who I am and what drives me. The fire of idealism burns in me: I want to make the world a little more beautiful and in my work for Plusminus and GAMIAN (Global Alliance of Mental Illness Advocacy Network) I can contribute to that.”
Bipolarity is characterized by recurrent mood swings and occurs in about 1.3% of the population. If you ask 10 people with bipolarity what it is, you will most likely get 10 different answers. The same is true for the loved ones of these 10 fictional people. Yet there are some similarities in the answers given.
- Stable periods without symptoms.
- Periods of cheerfulness (hypomanic) to extreme energy (manic dysregulation).
- Periods of gloom ranging from mild to extreme, called depression.
(Source: knowledge base platform BovenJan)